Best Buy: With Her in Mind

[#1]

By Mary Minton

A few months ago, I put myself in an awkward situation – I ‘butted in’ to an event that I really had no place being. Of course, I was trying to be helpful and provide a service that I was sure would be welcome and appreciated. Let me explain.

My lovely niece called me to let me know that she and her long-time fiancée decided to finally tie the knot in a few weeks time. No elaborate plan. They wanted to keep it simple. It was going to be a small, private affair in their home, inviting family and a few close friends. I was thrilled and excited for them both, asking a few questions and listening with enthusiasm about their approaching nuptials.

That’s when it happened. I’m a helper. Yes, the beloved and sometimes dreaded ‘helper’. While I try not to overstep, really I do, I often find myself offering to do things that I think are helpful and will be appreciated – without asking if, in fact, they would be even WELCOME.

As my niece described their wedding plans, she casually mentioned that they weren’t going to have a wedding cake. What? No wedding cake? That’s preposterous! Absurd! Impossible! I had to fight my desire to climb through the phone and shake her, ever so gently, shouting, “but you simply MUST have a wedding cake!” I found I was having trouble even hearing anything beyond the fact that there wasn’t going to be a cake.

When I hung up the phone, I was in a slight state of shock, and my world was turned around 180 degrees. I couldn’t even think straight. My head was spinning over a simple statement of “we’re not planning to have a cake”.  So I did what any helper would do. I told her I would buy her a wedding cake. And I did. And I felt wonderful about it. With the exception of the slight nagging guilt wondering if I overstepped, and she was simply to nice to say, “Thank you for offering, Aunt Mary, but no.”

Looking back, I can see how absurd my reaction was. And I found it simply ironic that 4 years prior to my niece’s wedding, I had a wonderful, small and intimate wedding out west with nothing more than a judge, my sister and her husband and my beloved – and no wedding cake. The four of us, sans judge, celebrated with a bottle of champagne and deliciously fresh strawberries, as we overlooked the amazing landscape of Bryce Canyon in Utah. No cake.

You’ve probably already guessed it – I have a tinge of regret that there was no cake at my wedding. No fondant. No divine cake layers with ultra thin frosting between them. Not even simple, elegant petit fours. So, without even realizing it, I was basically forcing my own missed opportunity and desire on my lovely and very patient niece. And for that, I thank her.

Now, if I had done what the woman in the attached article did, I wouldn’t have overstepped into such a private and personal space as one’s own wedding!  If you find yourself butting in when you should be putting duct tape over your mouth instead, you’ll not only enjoy this article,  “The Cure for a Compulsive Helper”, by Diane Spechler from the July 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine, but you’ll also learn how she SOLVED her problem through a series of 30 day experiments. Maybe you’re not a compulsive helper, but there’s another area of your life that could use an overhaul. This article may give you the inspiration and the vision you need to make a change for the better.  Whatever drives you to click on the link, simply do it, and enjoy!

[#2]

Lovely article; I will have to check out the O article also! Thanks!